what if i eat a sick rat?

What If I eat a sick rat

and the rat makes me blue

what if the rat had fleas in it

and if it was down with flu?

 

what  if the rat eats a sick worm

and the worm made it ill

what if the worm had ticks inside

the ticks that come to kill?

 

What if the worm had a sick ant

And the ant made it weak

What if the ant had boils outside

The boils with pus that leak?

 

What if the cat gets the boil?

The cat that ate the rat that ate the worm that ate the ant that had the boils

Would it live to realize

That it should have eaten the ant before it had the boils.

Career prospects for a bihari billa.......

A bihari billa is always under tremendous pressure to achieve something in life. If there are 3 or 4 billas in the same billa family, then there is some kind of safety net. Not that the billa parents relent in their dreams but that the dreams can be fulfilled in part by each and every billa.

For instance, if your billa parents aspire for their kid to be  "Rich and with high social standing and with a nice billi bahu and billa grandsons." Your siblings can for the first time in your life come to your aid. Let's say:-

         a. Your eldest brother- He could become rich by killing the wealthiest billa seth in the locality, even though he would not have a high social standing but atleast he would have coins in lieu.

         b. The middle one- He could become a teacher, have a high social standing but beware, he might have the ability to count to a hundred.... but he may never find the need to do so.

         c. You, the smallest- Could then spend your life to finding that perfect Billi Bahu and then devote all your time in the making of those "Billa grandsons". Upon whom you can then safely transfer the burden of your dreams.

Simple, ain't it?
  
                             CAREER OPTIONS A BIHARI BILLA HAS.....

1. B.Tech degree - The Billa in Technology degree, the dream of every Bihari Parent.  Become a B.Tech if you want to become an ideal Damad for prospective FIL's and MIL's. As for career prospects, do I need to figure everything for you?

2. M.B.B.S-  Mr. Billa Bachelor of Surgery. If you enrol for this degree, it is automatically assumed that you couldn't have fared well in maths. Akhir tabhi toh Biology padha na? But, the added bonus of this vocation would be the golden chance to slit throats under the name of "Surgery" and then some quality time with the Billi Nurses.

3. Lawyer.- If you were the kind of Billa, who loved killing rats, devouring the savoury guts and leaving the bones to your bro to tidy up, boy, you are an inherent lawyer! My blessings....

4. Business Man- Yeah, you hate studying. You were born with a silver whisker and you have a generous benefactor, who fulfils either of the 3 conditions.

     a. He is rich and has no "next of kin" and no other option besides you.
     b. He is going to die soon enough leaving behind a great enterprise for you.
     c. He is naïve enough to believe in your talents and your ideas.

5.Sarkari naukri- What does it matter, if you have no great ideas but if you have become the liability of the Billa Government. Your ass cannot be fired, you get paid holidays, boy you have scored a jackpot......

7. Reality check- If you don't achieve any of the above, seriously it does not matter if you become an artist, a musician, an architect or anything of that sort. You are not among the top suitors for a "Convent education billi, with skills like- gardening, painting etc".

I hope you find solace in the above 7 prospects. If you don't you could always start your own blog and start venting.........
 

what if you are really dirty and just don't want to bath?

 

                                  

 

 

 

 

what if you are really dirty and just don't want to bath ?

 

what if  your body is just as dirty as your mind was?

 

when the mites in you scratch and you face fur loss.

 

the dirt in your face makes you look like a farce

 

and when all you do is licking for hours

 

what if your guardian angel suggests a scrub?

 

but all you want to do is sleep and eat some grub.

 

when the water is not too cold but still not right

 

when your own mother feels you aren't a pretty sight!

 

the rats don't come along for you don't look cool anymore

 

and birds mock daily "Take a bath" and frogs encore.

 

that's you think hypocrisy one talks about.

 

and wonder if appearances really matter a lot.

 

what if your fur is smelly and your face looks crude?

 

hadn't you ignored mommy cat's ugly brood ?

 

so now for you  two options abound,

 

either you roll to sleep on the messy ground;

 

or do what the fellows suggest and take a bath.

 

for cold water is better than the devil's wrath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The love affairs brewing here.......

To hate a human is a cat's legal right and to be owned by a human is a cat's duty but to love a human is a cat's deepest folly. Its like choosing black tea over hot chocolate or a toy over a live mouse. My mother has had terrible relationships in the past, all because of her equally terrible discretion. Its like she really does not understand that anything whose whiskers glitter is not definitely a golden alliance (for all that she knows it might even be Mrs.Pandey with her female moustache on the morning before her salon appointment. ) Anyways, we are invariably drawn in the battle of my mother with love and betrayal.

1.We had met her first suitor in the litterbox where we were born, he left mother when tiloo bit him in the face. He was a model for a cat food company and Tiloo's teeth are pretty sharp (almost as sharp as my wit), so obviously he had to leave. But please do not make assumptions. We might have given him a bit of a scar on his face and some trauma but we absolutely did not render him unemployed. The last time I checked he was doing an ad campaign for a company which speaks against animal abuse. And FYI he seems to have made quite a place in people's hearts.

2. The second suitor I remember was from Mumbai and was a gym trainer and was pretty head over heels over my mother.  However, he wanted ma to exercise and lose the love handles she had gained during her pregnancy but on the contrary my mother decided to handle him with a pinch of love and a tablespoon of rebuke, she asked him to find some other " size zero cat" . She told him she was a typical "bhartiya nari" and the only thing she had in mind at the moment was her children. I have my doubts about it cos we were living with grandma at that time........

3. The third went the same way, well not his fault, the third guy is always jinxed (look at my third and horribly jinxed Tiloo). He was from Ukraine and had come to India on an Indian Rat's passport and also had to bribe his way through the immigration department at the "HELLO KITTY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT,NEW DELHI".  My mother had invested in him because she believed that he would take her to USA. It was not until later that she realized that Ukraine was not in USA. Out he went tumbling......

4. The fourth one, well he was a profession of Cat History at the reputed Cat College of Patna. My grandfather had recommended this one. My mother however, believed that a professor of history, would always talk about the past and for other miscellaneous reasons we never got to know.  He was discarded.

    The last (as of now) and the most tamest of them all is my mom's current suitor, but he deserves a complete post and so Meow for now.........

Why I am Biloo Rai and not Biloo Patel or Biloo Nair......

Being born in Bihar wasn’t a choice it was merely a coincidence. But being a bihari is a decision I have taken consciously ( and Tiloo like a good brother simply follows what I say) . For my mother it has always been about shunning “Bihari” practices and appearing a Mumbaiya cat. As for Frankoo, he is a gangster. I need not specify anything. He is a Bihari by deed. If I were a patel maybe I could have migrated to the United States of America. A dream my mother has always seen. She wants bigger things in life. She feels that rats in Amrica must be fatter than the ones here. After all Social Service lean rats ko parents se remove kar dega na? She is too ambitious trust me!

   Hmm… try googling Bihar. Its like a million pages of what you would not want your kid to become. Its like a million pages dedicated to the bad things in life. Numerous appeals for hanging a Bihari, for castrating them and to remove their abominable gene pool (but I am still searching for a plea to kill Frankoo, why the bastard is not convicted, heaven only knows). So why do I have to acknowledge that I am a bihari? Well, when I meow I meow with a drawl, I burp, I fart and I have problems with genders. For example: “neend” (read sleep) aati hai not aata hai , taarein (read stars) aate hai and not aata hai and most importantly I say “kaahe?”, for all of you who do not know (or fellow biharis who “act like they don’t know) kaahe is the Bihari counterpart of “why”. So yes, I am a bihari in flesh and soul. Like they say you can take a bihari out of bihar but you cannot take bihar out of a bihari.

Even if I were Biloo gates or Biloo Mittal, show me  10 rs. And I would still think about picking it up. Duh, that is not Bihari just plain bad conscience. See, that is the prejudice I face in being a Bihari. Why think first? Give the bloody bihari a chance…..And also I have the strange fixation for “the bhoujis” aka the sister-in-laws, I guess that becomes enough proof for my mighty alliance with the State of Bihar........

 

Aahh....Deep sleep.

           When I dream, its of melody in trance,

            of angels in rat-suits with tails that dance.
             
           When I dream, its of amity and peace,

            of stout fishes with burly nephews and niece.

           When I dream, its neither too hot nor too cold,

           its of gay birds neither too chirpy nor too bold.

            When I dream, its too blissful an expanse,
  
           that's when I realize its all just a trance.
      
       

The Bihari Biloo.....

Geographically I am a Bihari, ethnically I am a Hindu, physically I am dashing and biologically, I am a cat. This pretty much sums up my 6-month old stint on Earth. I was born in India (well precisely, in a litterbox in India, but I think only India will do.) Now do not think of me as a lower-caste cat. I have a very strong lineage, which I shall try to trace back as far as possible but for now, I would like you to think of my birth as that of a lotus in a muddy pond, I hope you realize that my emphasis is on the fact that even great things can be born in a "kachra ka dabba".
    On my best days, I appear beige coloured with a few stripes here and there. I know now you want to know my colour on my "not-so-good" days, haan-haan what if you meet me someday and want to identify me from amongst the wannabe cats roaming in the locality?  well, your question need not be answered for precisely two reasons.

  1. I shall never be found roaming among the "Wannabe cats" and you shall never need to identify me.........

 2. I try not to make appearences on my "not-so-good" days. I do not believe in simply putting on a Bermuda and tee  with no makeup and strolling here and there. My God! what pathetic sights such humans make!!!

Anyways, like I said I was born in Bihar, unfortunately I had to share my mother's uterus with two other semi-cats. They never had the potential to become cats. I shall refer to them as Semi from now forth. Well, one of them is my twin, Tiloo. Frankly, I think he has Casperger's Syndrome or maybe even Cautism. My mother wouldn't believe me, but trust me you just cannot hide such stuff! Right now Tils lives with me, he nibbles at my feet now and then and is pretty much okay. You know Doable sibling.

 Before I tell you about Frankoo, the other semi, I want you to remember that in every family there is a person; who you would be better off without. A person who is the lemon in your family, and you just cannot make lemonade with them . You know a cloud without a silver lining. Pretty bleak stuff...

 This Bleak person is my other sibling Mr.Frankoo- the Mobster. I had my doubts about Mr.F since the day I laid my eyes on him. Shady character he is. His ominous black fur and those glaring eyes. If it were for me, I would have donated him in the annual charity but my mother (like all mothers) did not heed my advice. She was pretty sure he would grow up better. I think he reminded her of our father, that ugliness trust me is not in my mother's genes. Anyways, then the only thing this Mr. F could do was drool. It was tedious but mother was sure, it was only a matter of time before he could control his saliva. Dear God! now all I wish for (other than his sudden death) is for him to start drooling again. He fell into bad company.......became a typical criminal and thankfully he does not live with me. Well, enough about that rough Frankoo. I better push the skeletons back in the closet.

So that is pretty much my "family". Yes, I had a father (who doesn't) but it is one of the few things, which we do not discuss. None of us have ever seen him. I tried asking my mother but then she avoids the question just as a Rabbit avoids a cat. Throws zig-zags and circumvents the question entirely. Anyways, I am better off not knowing or so I feel.

 My mother (Catwati), aahh...is a pretty pious lady. A sweet soul but she has just one small flaw. She has a fetish for Humans. A fetish which at times becomes a little too difficult to control. Once she sees the "Two-legged" creatures, she starts frolicking around, smelling their toes and flashing them a sly grin...... But then one has to play the cards dealt.

  I think that is enough of an introduction. Btw do you know that a cat sleeps for almost 15-20 hours a day? Of course, you didn't! you have been pestering me for so long now..... Go there is more to life than just a cat.............

BB.